Your Wedding, Your Choice ALWAYS
Photo: Fuck Yeah Weddings • Planner: Together Events • Officiant: Once Upon A Vow • Venue: Abernethy Center • Couple: Wee Heavy and Starling
Meg and Erin, like Starling and Wee Heavy, chose to get married this October, making my birthday month extra special. Neither identifies as a trad couple, but each incorporated traditional elements into their ceremony AND proudly celebrated their queerness in their own ways.
One couple moved quickly into action after their engagement and eloped in Upstate New York; the other took their time to plan their ideal Oregonian wedding. Both couples were intentional about working with vendors that share their values, which is amazing because it means that I get to collaborate with dope like-minded peeps.
I’m grateful I get to bless my couples and send them off into the unknown of tomorrow with a piece of my love. Regardless of who they are, for those moments I share with them and then forever, they’re in my heart.
I’ve never been one to easily crush, but in this line of work, I crush often! That’s because there are a lot of badass boss babes doing what they do out there and plenty of gorgeous humans who don’t easily see or claim their own light but when they glow, they shine bright. And without fail, no matter who it is and regardless of how different we may seem, I can see myself in them and them in me.
And when I meet fam like Starling, Wee Heavy, Erin, and Meg - when I listen to their stories of becoming and learn about their lives and their love - I feel proud and connected in a way I don’t always experience. I feel a little more known and less alone.
That’s because when I hold space for trans and queer folx - when I honor and celebrate them - I’m honoring and celebrating myself too. And though I’ll admit that I officiate my share of LGBTQIA2S+ weddings, it never feels like enough. It’s been nearly a decade since marriage equality passed and the fact remains that despite our growing visibility and queer weddings being more common nowadays, we’re still a tiny slice of the matrimonial services pie.
As a genderqueer person working in this industry, a GenXer who got ‘gay married’ prior to the Obergefell win and divorced shortly after the unpopular inauguration of 2017, and as someone who is in the market for wedding vendors once again, I know how important and how difficult it can be to find people who get you and businesses that are truly safe and welcoming. Though there are more options now than ever before, the political climate of our times and in our spaces - the targeted efforts to halt the progress we’ve made - call us to be more discerning consumers.
At Once Upon A Vow, we’re all about CHOICE. We fundamentally believe that we all possess free will and we value our ability to make our own decisions. We heavily credit our American identity for this; of course, as you can imagine, the rolling back of our rights in the U.S. as well as the political ick and general mid vibes over the past 10 years has had us feeling all kinds of conflicted and demoralized. Now there’s the mocking misogyny from some of our most misinformed, misguided, and maligning men post election results is a kick in the face nobody needs, but this is where we’re at; we’re bearing witness to what is. Violence and hate is part of it. Fortunately for us, it isn’t all of it.
Photo: Sweet Alice Photography • Officiant: Once Upon A Vow • Hospitality: The Starlite Motel
As a collective, we’ve seen things and have been through plenty already. The constant shifting we have been doing and must continue to do feels exhausting. Still, we do it because change is the only constant aside from death; right? We can’t stop it, control it, or escape it no matter how hard we try. Sure, we can prepare for it, try to slow it down, get ready for what could and might be, but in the end, change is always happening and living and loving get challenged A LOT.
That’s why flexibility is key and, more often than not, a shift in perspective is necessary. We get to choose how we see things and attach meaning as we see fit and I’m always looking for the glimmers of hope and light in the darkness.
From what I’ve gathered, we’re all on our own journeys to self-love; some farther along than others. Regardless of where we may be on our personal timeline or on any particular spectrum, we are all capable of loving another. But hurt people hurt people and fear is a symptom that indicates when we’re out of sync with love; so, it’s no surprise we’re out here beating up on ourselves and each other. Metaphorically and literally.
For the vast majority of us, being in a relationship offers a focus and gives us a person with whom to practice love. The OTHER can serve as a mirror and can help us notice the pretty, brave, sweet, and WORTHY in ourselves that we struggle to see. And when that OTHER is true to themselves and by virtue of being who they are - a whole separate being with their own ideas and feelings and things - they will push our boundaries and trigger discomfort. We may show up ugly temporarily, but with some work and a little luck, we learn from those moments, recognizing that others make life more interesting and help us expand.
I’ve met and wed a lot of interesting, quirky, brilliant, sexy people in all kinds of relationship configurations with varied lived experiences and adored them all. That’s why this year and every election year, I can’t help but think about the impact of our choices on our nation and what it might mean for our couples.
Though I don’t like to linger in a state of panic or fear, I do worry. I worry about the ones who, like me, are queer AF and not born in this country. I worry about all my trans and enby siblings because we’re targets for the forces in society that refuse to see beyond the gender binary and keep trying to deny or erase our very existence. I worry about all the women and all the femmes, including the femmes in cis male bodies because their anatomy and biology doesn’t protect them either.
Heck, I worry about the “manly men” too because from what I can tell, they’re scared of one another, often getting pulled into thinking and developing habits that don’t actually help them either. And I won’t lie, as a masc person, I too am infected by the toxic masculinity that’s been passed on to me; we all are to some degree. Machismo is performance art that teaches and excuses behavior that most of us, when we’re willing to see it for what it is, agree just isn’t healthy.
Right now in 2024, we have men in our world - in our lives - that either eagerly join in the victorious and vicious chants of “your body, my choice” or dismiss it entirely as just meaningless words that the foolish incel ones say and not a broader problem in and of the lot. Despite the “not all men” defense that I too put forth hoping more of you step up, I’m still waiting for y’all to sniff out the rot and help clean this crap up. Por favor, mis hermanos, hagan algo!
This isn’t meant to be an anti-man rant; it’s more of a plea for those that have been part of “we, the people” the longest to recognize that our freedom and happiness, like our captivity and misery, is interconnected; that WE create our destiny.
I, for one, believe that despite all the work that we must do in all the realms of our lives, it always starts with us, in our closest relationships and most intimate circles. And weddings can serve to remind us that we need each other and can CHOOSE to work together for something bigger than ourselves; that despite the hard of it all, we can make the world a little brighter - a little better - if we try.
I’m not here to preach about the merits of an institution or an industry that has been historically exclusionary. But for those who want in, we’re here to shine a light on ALL love stories - YOUR love story. We’re here because we believe that LOVE fuels the revolutionary spirit of our country. And that Meg and Erin, like Wee Heavy and Starling, like me and you, are the love warriors of the 21st century. And our bodies, like our marriages and our weddings, are OURS to do with them what we want.